Ever Been Here?
Ever Been Here?
So for the past few weeks I have been feeling rather lost in this world and this place that I have come to call my home over the last 3-4 years. I don't feel like I fit in this ministry here anymore. It's like something died inside me and I feel like I am not making any difference to anyone anymore. I don't have passion for church membership or trying to convince people that they need to be a part of the church family here, maybe that is because I don't believe that it is one. That's a different story though.
I meet a few times a week with the ministry team here at Pepperdine which consists of two campus ministers and a group of college students who want to make a difference; and I see them making a difference in the things that they do and the people they come into contact with on a regular basis. Their lives scream "I've got it together" and people see that and are driven to them. I go through my daily life of classes and homework and a few hours in the office with an occasional conversation that may or may not go beyond the surface level talk that we all engage in and forget about the moment we part. Once or twice a week I will have a real conversation with a good friend about life and feel like it was actually a good use of time.
I feel empty and stuck in a hole without a way to climb out. My time spent with God has not been the best recently and I struggle to get myself to read and really pray without distraction. The Word does not seem to have the power and meaning it once did for me and I ask why.
Well, this all became too much for me last week and I broke down. My heart ached for the times when I felt so close to God and had such a passion for this ministry that I remain a part of. Trying to explain how I felt and what was going on in my heart to my best friend thousands of miles away seemed impossible, but we prayed together and he gave me the encouragement that I needed. Since that afternoon I've been to many bible talks (sermons, lectures, devos, etc) and tried to make that connection that I was longing to regain. Some things that were said would stick out to me and I knew that I probably needed to hear them.
My God is enough -Isaiah 40:25-31
I am enough - John 3:16
I finally went to talk with one of my minsters and told him what was going on and how I was struggling and he just looked at me and apologized for not thanking me or showing appreciation for the work that I do. There are weeks that he meets with the elders and thinks to himself, I've forgotten to contact these students and talk to them, and is astounded by the number that my partner and I have been in conversation with. "Without you two girls, these students may have been left behind." It seems like such a small thing to me and takes so little time that I don't see or feel the difference it makes, but hearing him say that brought a little light back in. He went on to tell me how I remind him of the woman described in Proverbs 31. He tells me that what he sees in me compared to the younger girls walking around is a woman of strength, wisdom and love. He says that I am one of the most influential women he knows and wishes that I were not graduating in a few short months. Then he went on to say that in his experience with such times as these it could be God testing him to see how determined and dedicated he is to the Word, but also that perhaps it is a time when the cup is overflowing and is not being used for it's entire purpose. He spoke of the Dead Sea and the Sea of Galilee. The Dead Sea only has an inlet and takes and takes the water but things die because it just sits there. The Sea of Galilee, however has both and inlet and an outlet and water flows through it constantly and it brings life. Much like the Sea of Galilee we need to not only have our source of water(life) but also give that life to others and let if flow through us. He challenged me to ask God to bring people into my heart that I can encourage and allow the overflow of my cup to cover them. Perhaps I am full and need to stop thinking about doing ministry and just be love for those who need it around me.
Needless to say I was encouraged and am excited to see who God will place on my heart.
So for the past few weeks I have been feeling rather lost in this world and this place that I have come to call my home over the last 3-4 years. I don't feel like I fit in this ministry here anymore. It's like something died inside me and I feel like I am not making any difference to anyone anymore. I don't have passion for church membership or trying to convince people that they need to be a part of the church family here, maybe that is because I don't believe that it is one. That's a different story though.
I meet a few times a week with the ministry team here at Pepperdine which consists of two campus ministers and a group of college students who want to make a difference; and I see them making a difference in the things that they do and the people they come into contact with on a regular basis. Their lives scream "I've got it together" and people see that and are driven to them. I go through my daily life of classes and homework and a few hours in the office with an occasional conversation that may or may not go beyond the surface level talk that we all engage in and forget about the moment we part. Once or twice a week I will have a real conversation with a good friend about life and feel like it was actually a good use of time.
I feel empty and stuck in a hole without a way to climb out. My time spent with God has not been the best recently and I struggle to get myself to read and really pray without distraction. The Word does not seem to have the power and meaning it once did for me and I ask why.
Well, this all became too much for me last week and I broke down. My heart ached for the times when I felt so close to God and had such a passion for this ministry that I remain a part of. Trying to explain how I felt and what was going on in my heart to my best friend thousands of miles away seemed impossible, but we prayed together and he gave me the encouragement that I needed. Since that afternoon I've been to many bible talks (sermons, lectures, devos, etc) and tried to make that connection that I was longing to regain. Some things that were said would stick out to me and I knew that I probably needed to hear them.
My God is enough -Isaiah 40:25-31
I am enough - John 3:16
I finally went to talk with one of my minsters and told him what was going on and how I was struggling and he just looked at me and apologized for not thanking me or showing appreciation for the work that I do. There are weeks that he meets with the elders and thinks to himself, I've forgotten to contact these students and talk to them, and is astounded by the number that my partner and I have been in conversation with. "Without you two girls, these students may have been left behind." It seems like such a small thing to me and takes so little time that I don't see or feel the difference it makes, but hearing him say that brought a little light back in. He went on to tell me how I remind him of the woman described in Proverbs 31. He tells me that what he sees in me compared to the younger girls walking around is a woman of strength, wisdom and love. He says that I am one of the most influential women he knows and wishes that I were not graduating in a few short months. Then he went on to say that in his experience with such times as these it could be God testing him to see how determined and dedicated he is to the Word, but also that perhaps it is a time when the cup is overflowing and is not being used for it's entire purpose. He spoke of the Dead Sea and the Sea of Galilee. The Dead Sea only has an inlet and takes and takes the water but things die because it just sits there. The Sea of Galilee, however has both and inlet and an outlet and water flows through it constantly and it brings life. Much like the Sea of Galilee we need to not only have our source of water(life) but also give that life to others and let if flow through us. He challenged me to ask God to bring people into my heart that I can encourage and allow the overflow of my cup to cover them. Perhaps I am full and need to stop thinking about doing ministry and just be love for those who need it around me.
Needless to say I was encouraged and am excited to see who God will place on my heart.
posted by Traci Himes at 9:32 PM
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